Here we go. I am going to do something nice. I am writing every thing here I am writing down I write in my real paper diary. I hope nobody will ever found this blog...some of my friends would kill me.
Das bekam ich von einem Jungen...
Und das hier von dem anderen:
Ich scheisse auf diese ganze Welt!!! Ich habe es einfach satt! Ich nehme mir jetzt irgendeinen Typen der gerade herumläuft, sage ihm, dass ich gar nix von ihm will und dann ziehen wir zusammen. Ich habe keinen Bock mehr, dass mich keiner liebt!!! Verdammt! Ich scheisse so auf das! Keiner kennt das Drecksgefühl noch nie geliebt worden zu sein. Ihr Penner!!!
Vielen Dank auch...
I just tell you...I feel...very bad...
I will put my expressions in this pic and I am listening to Falco "Out of the dark"....
Echt bestenst. Da schrieb mir der, dem ich schon 7 Jahre und länger nachlaufe, dass er später mal mit uns zusammen leben will. So mit 40... aber mit 45 will er ja schon sterben...meinte er, weil er nicht so alt werden will.
Er will seine Träume leben, weil er was bereuen könnte. AHA!!!
REUE ist das STICHWORT! N I C H T GLÜCK!!! Er will das alles machen um seine Angst zu verlieren, er tut das, weil er Angst vor Reue hat! ANGST und NICHT GLÜCK!!! Ich will glücklich werden...aha. Kann man glücklich werden, wenn man nur damit beschäftigt ist vor seinen Ängsten zu fliehen??? Damit beschäftigt ist, nur seine Ängste zu löschen! Dann lebt man NIE!!! Stellt euch endlich!!! Alle zusammen! Kämpft! Verdammt! Seid wie Asuka!
Hier was er schrieb:
Ja, klar und sein Traum ist es auch, eine Frau zu finden, die er liebt, die ihn genauso stark liebt. Na toll. Er will bis auf den Tod absolut alle sein Träume erfüllen und er hängt so lange an ihnen, bis sie erfüllt sind. Tja, das heißt also für mich, dass es niemals möglich ist, dass er es wohl nicht ohne ein Wunder schaffen wird. Verdammt!
Wie kann man nur soooo schlimm sein??? Ich kann damit einfach nicht leben!
UND DAS SCHRIEB ICH VORHER:
I hate to be human. I just wanna be an angel who does not feel anything! I hate to be sad. ):P I am more than disappointed again. I hate this. I wanna be happy again.
I hate to hate not being loved by others like I need. I really should be ashamed!
Now I nearly know all different kind of heart ache. But I can tell you: There is no difference between it. T-T When I was looking for a boy whom I could love. Damn it really hurts, coz I was crying all the nights and there was really nobody to love. I really felt lost. Then I loved a boy who was looking very japanese and he told me "You are not my style" Another kind of ache. It hurts like the other. And now I feel pain, coz I need love and nobody want give it to me.
I really did not know that my friend is coming to munich again. She wants to live with her boyfriend. I feel happy for her and I hope that she is going to recognize for the rest of her live, that this is real love, this could be real love if he is treating her gently. Love is not the feeling inside the heart, not your phantasy...it is more than that...it is just the way a human is treating you in a good way for a long time. And if you think he is treating you very well, then it is love.
Now I know the real way to love, but the others don't know. Love is just a simple feeling, just like a soft wind breeze. No great emotion, you simply are feeling secure. Just somebody who is treating you in a good way and somebody who is not touching your livestyle in any way. But it feels good that way.
Fuckin' my English. Can't tell this that good. T-T But don't worry. I also can't tell in German.
Last night I asked myself, if god would send me to hell, if I would say "God! I wanna be with you, I wanna be loved by you, wanna be by your side now. Please take me to heaven. I wanna die. I am going to kill me now. ~splash~" My friend told me: No way. You just can not reduce your time here on earth. You are just trying to run away of problems here on earth." Fuck! I don't want to go to hell, coz of that fact that I can not bear it any more.
My friend said: It is a pitty that the friendship is not enough. Yea, but what should I do? I don't think that he would ever be able to fondle my head or hug me for an hour. ^^° Fuck I feel like a damn loser!
I am a person who really need much of hugs and such things, but I would not need that if there is a person who tells me "I love you." I really do not need anything then. My friend (ok, he is male, and men do not need such things as much as women) don't need any hugs or kisses or whatever. Ok. But I am a WOMAN! Don't know.
Feeling like an angel who is searching for his home, who is getting lost here on earth. I think I have been here on earth to recognize that I am just belonging to god and I have to work in order to get into heaven again. We feel lonely and lost in a strange way. We don't know what this strange kind of feeling is. We are searching for an answer here. I just tell you: I am seeking for god. Some persons don't know what this feeling is and what they are searching for.
I am on the end now. I don't know what to do. There are so many people who don't want to love coz they say "love hurts!" If I have found a nice person, then I am hearing the same sentence again "I don't want to love!"
What should I do if I would be the best human here on world and nobody wants to feel love. Fuck! I hate myself! I am just like Asuka. I hate myself, coz nobody is loving me. OK! My mommy and daddy is loving me...but, don't you think ... I feel lost in their emotions. It is not enough. T-T
I feel like this girl here over there.
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